For the past few days, or weeks, or past month, I've been doing a lot of thinking. They're thoughts on nothing in particular, more like random thoughts. Stray thoughts. Recently, there seems to be many things that act as triggers. Funny how someone else's longing gaze could leave me thinking about my future. Or how my grandmother's cough( in her sleep?) in the middle of the night could leave me thinking about how I haven't been the granddaughter that I used to be. Basically, a lot of random events/objects could leave me deep in my thoughts. These things trigger thoughts.
Perhaps somewhere along this year, or maybe it was sometime before but I only noticed it now, I lost some emotions. The truth is, I just haven't felt
in a long while. It's a bit like being lost
, not knowing what to do. Very often, I wonder how is it that I can feel so empty
. How is that actually possible? How can you actually feel empty inside?
And I used to be so sure of what I want to do with my life. What I want in my life. But lately, that's just not the case. I have been so fickle-minded lately that it scares me. Just thinking about the future scares me. But in the end, the choices I will have to make will ultimately have to be based on two things, however much or little, the two things still matter. In the end, it will still be whether I would pick "passion" or "security". So far, one can only exist without the other. So I'm still left with the one important question : which is more important to me?
And you know what scares me the most? This lost feeling. Not knowing what to do, what to think, what to choose. I feel like whatever lays ahead of me is just a vast emptiness. It's all gray. Nothing is clear, nothing is known. I suppose it's a bit like a blank canvas, it's up to me how it ends up as. Only, in life there's undoing things. You can't just throw the canvas away and start afresh, can you?
But yet I'm still not quite lost. 'Cause I know that I have a great bunch of friends that matter. They do things for me that I am entirely grateful of. I guess you could say that I traded away one in exchange for all of my old friendships back. And the truth is, I don't regret it a bit. In fact, if things hadn't turn out the way they are now, I might actually regret instead. I actually feel free now. In a way, it's a chance to mend old friendships. Those that had fallen out. So, don't you think it's a good deal? Personally, I think it's great. I've missed a lot of people.
Do you get the whole point of this? I'm not too sure I do actually. Maybe I should lay off thinking! it kind of makes me sound suicidal, haha.
Baby,top. || a piece of maeling's mind, 01:20